You know how i always get so emotional when something big is about to happen? Well right now, is no exception.

It's 7:17pm, January 4th, 2010. I'm sitting in LAX waiting to board a first class flight to Seattle, Washington, where i will perform the first show on my first headlinging tour, all by myself. I'm not opening for anyone, or making a guest appearance like i've done in the past. This one, is about me.

You never realize how big something really is until your waiting to get on the plane that brings you to it. Or in most people's cases, until you're about to do it. I never thought about it, until now, really. I knew tour was coming. Heck, i rehearsed for a month before. But the sudden realization is overwhelming.

My family is close by, along with my assistant, and some of my crew. There's a pile of luggage sitting next to me, patiently awaiting the conveyor belt. The pile of luggage, however, does not belong to everyone sitting around me. It belongs to me. It's everything i need for almost 2 months.

I look around and notice somethings missing. Not something, but someone. Not someone. Him. He's missing. And of course, i've grown accustom to being apart. After a year and a half, one learns to be independent, even in the scariest of times. Times when i wish he was here, he's used to this kind of stuff. He's used to opening nights, to lock downs, to everything. So am i. But it's different. All my life, i was used to doing that for other people. Mostly him. I was there for his lock downs, his opening nights. And on my first time, he's not around.

It's not his fault. I know that, but it's hard to deal with the fact that someone you love so much isn't around for something you're proud of. Something i know he's proud of, but something he can't be there for.

I'm sure it will happen again, but this time, it's hard.

All at once, i'm feeling sad, because i miss him, happy, because im going on tour, lonely, because no one else is talking, and i'm writing a blog to people who aren't listening yet.

Have i ever mentioned i cry too much?

It's come to the point where when i cry, people don't bother asking why.
My phone is ringing.
False alarm.
It was my sisters.

So anyway. I never knew how much i had to say until i opened this blog and let it all pour out. It's good to think about things, even if it's right before they're happening. Better think about it at all, than not, right?

Excuse me, i have to catch a flight to a concert. Whose, you might ask?
and now, for the first time in my life, i can say:
"Mine."

i-really-hope-i-don't-cry-the-whole-way-there
Meagan